The Passing Hello
What are you supposed to do when you and someone you know are walking towards each other and you recognize one another from a distance too great to hold a shoutversation (a conversation where you have to shout because you’re too from one another)? As soon as you acknowledge your counterpart’s presence, there is absolutely nothing you can say as you two silently and awkwardly continue to walk towards each other. Do you maintain eye contact? Do you smile? Or do you look away? I bet this is when everyone busts out their phone to kill the time it takes to get close enough to speak. To further the uncomfortable encounter, the common “how are ya?” is often thrown out there as a common courtesy, and if you two aren’t going to stop and chat, DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION! It just leads to the complete opposite situation I just mentioned, for you two have to have an impromptu shoutversation as you part ways.
So if the quick “how ya doin?” is thrown to you, stop and chat, or get the fuck out!
The honest truth is that most people pick their nose. Sometimes you’ve got some pluggage and you don’t want to walk around with bats in the cave all day, so actions must be taken. I get it. What I don’t get, however, is why there is the socially accepted pick, and then there is the pick that society loves to scowl at.
First, the bad method. Interesting digression - what’s better first, good news or bad news? Stay tuned for a more elaborate post. But the “bad nose pick” is the one where you use your index finger like you’re digging for gold. I understand that it is not the most attractive thing to see, but it is the most efficient. It gets the job done, caves are cleared, and you can breathe in peace. You’re in, you’re out, you’re on your way. Can you blame the guy for it?
Second, the “good” method. I place good in quotations because yes it is the more acceptable of the picks, but is it really any better than the other? This is the pick where the thumb enters the nostril cavity, but you use the rest of your hand to create some sort of diversion to distract others from actually noticing that you are picking your nose. I don’t think it’s any better than the index finger though. Your thumb is bigger and therefore can’t find as many treasures up there as your index finger would (unless your nostrils are as big as Patrick Ewing’s). Therefore it fails to get the job done as efficiently as the index finger, though it does save face. It prevents most from pointing and saying “dude look at that guy picking his nose!” and has become the most socially accepted way of the pick. Maybe it’s worth it then. I used to have a fear of stretching out my nostrils so that they do become like that of Patrick Ewing’s, but I don’t think it’s possible.
And then there’s the wild card: the pinky pick. The pinky pick I would have to classify as the level in between the pointer and the thumb. Leading with the pinky is much classier than the index (think sipping champagne, pinkies up) yet it still does not provide the proper cover like the rest of the hand does for the thumb. Unless you try to scratch your forehead with your thumb while picking your nose with your pinky, but that just begins to complicate things. By the way - I hope you just tried to pull off that maneuver.
A Brilliant Idea
The cook-your-own-food restaurant business has got to be one of the greatest ideas of all time. Opening a restaurant is no easy feat, and is one of the most common failed business ventures because of all the competition. A lot of money has to be invested in this idea. You’ve got to find a space, buy all the food, buy all the supplies, find waiters, find cooks, etc. But then someone, somewhere, had this stroke of brilliance. Why pay for cooks, when you can make fools cook their own food - and still pay to eat at your restaurant! Who would have thought that people would love to pay to eat at your new restaurant AND do half the work. Props to you, my friend, you corner-cutting-genius.
A Message to the Cleaning Staff
I have one request to the people who clean public restrooms (specifically in the building I work at). First of all, I recognize that your work is hard labor and not the most glorifying, and I respect you for working your buts off and doing what you gotta do. BUT I must request that you stop filling the paper towel dispensers to the brim! I realize that by doing so it may decrease the frequency at which you must refill the dispensers, but as a bathroom user who actually washes his hands (you people know who you are who skip that crucial, crucial, step), grabbing a reasonable amount of paper towels from the dispenser is impossible when its filled to capacity.
Thank you, kind janitorial crew. You guys rock.
Everyone claims their race to be the “cheapest”. It’s as if it is a cross-cultural competition to be the cheapest bastards there are. The Jews, Blacks, Mexicans, Asians, everyone wants to say that their people are the cheapest! I wonder why that is. I think on the outside, everyone wants to act like that they are ballin so hard mother fuckers wanna fine them. However, the truth of the matter is that we just aren’t on that level of ball-age. Let’s be real, why are Groupon and Living Social so popular now? Because we’re ALL cheap bastards! Who doesn’t mind finding deals and steals? You’re a fool if you don’t at least look for them.
And here is where I explain my inspiration for this post. Like I said, everyone loves saving a few bucks here and there, but would you climb a 70ft wall to avoid paying the $4 admission to a castle? For all you cheapskates out there keeping track, score one for the Asians!
If you were too lazy to click the link and watch the video clip here’s the kicker - THAT DAY WAS FREE ADMISSION! It pays to check for deals sometimes, people. Pun intended.
Recognize I’m Back
I don’t mean to toot my own horn (who am I kidding, I at least kind of am) but a lot of people have been asking me why I don’t blog anymore. I didn’t realize that many people had actually looked at this thing, but after I (stupid, stupid, stupidly) deleted my old tumblr I was never as attached to this one as I was with the old one.
My faith in rambling about my random thoughts was restored last night when I was watching 60 Minutes. I’ve been told that I watch TV as if I were an old man, and I’m sure loving 60 Minutes does not help my case, but it’s incredible. It pains me during football season because I’m actually torn between whether I want to watch 60 Minutes or Sunday Night Football more. Well, to get to the point, this past Sunday’s episode was Andy Rooney’s last. If you find yourself wondering who Andy Rooney is, youtube him right NOW!! He is an awesome old grouch who just thinks of random things to ramble about at the end of every 60 Minutes episode. He is essentially my blog personified and much more successful.
I hope to be able to have such astute observations as I get older and wiser, and I want to be able to tell it like it is. So here’s to you, good sir, Andy Rooney, tuck your napkin in your shirt cause you mobbin’ like that.
And if you didn’t listen to me and youtube him, click here for a quintessential clip of the man himself.